BREAKTHROUGH ANNOUNCED IN BOARD STRETCHER MACHINE RESEARCH

Details limited, but appears promising as advances in wood plasticizers progress

The Bradley Tool Company held a long-awaited press conference here yesterday to reveal progress in their ongoing research effort to develop a practical board stretching machine. While the machine is not yet in production and some hurdles are yet to be jumped, the major technological problem encountered has been solved and the company is well on its way, according to press releases. Today's announcement regarded an inexpensive and highly effective wood plasticizing formulation which facilitates stretching the boards.

"We found many different ways to plasticize wood, but all were cost prohibitive," said Alfred V. Bradley, owner of Bradley Tool.

"In the laboratory, we were able to cause wood to become so elastic that it sagged and hit the floor like hot taffy. But the conditions under which it would do so required very elaborate equipment and dangerous chemical procedures. We had numerous explosions. Obviously, this sort of thing is not feasible for the average woodshop."

"But several weeks ago, quite by accident, we encountered an inexpensive formulation that plasticized the wood well enough that it could be stretched as much as 10% in length. The formulation is a mixture of certain safe chemicals and some very common household substances, though I should say, probably more common in some households than others. But it can be easily produced by any woodworker who has our simple chemistry kit. Then they'll put the treated lumber in the stretching machine, and bingo!"

Reporters at the conference were astounded and highly excited by Bradley's comments. They pressed him hard for more details on the new miracle board stretching formulation, but his lips were zipped. He said that specific information would not be released from the laboratories at the Bradley Tool Factory until the procedure had been perfected and the device ready to market.

He did, however, offer two demonstration boards which, he said, had been used in the test procedures. He put a measuring tape to them as he explained to reporters:

"This board, as you can see, is exactly six feet long, whereas this one here is six feet three eighths inches. Three eighths isn't a lot, but when you cut your boards one eighth too short, three eighths can mean a great deal."

Reporters were somewhat perplexed by this demonstation, and seemed to be waiting for Bradley to provide more information. But soon they realized he did not understand that simply showing two boards of different lengths is any proof that one had been stretched. Several reporters standing in front, though, did not make this connection and looked aghast as Bradley spoke. He played to them, obviously quite self-absorbed and proud.

Toward the back of the crowd, however, an air of skepticism predominated and numerous snickers were heard as Bradley continued to impress the less wary members of the press corps. Though the Bradley Tool Company is highly respected for its innovations in woodworking tooling, reporters and tool reps alike were cautious about Bradley's assertions.

"That guy likes raising a lotta hoopla, ya know, and I ain't so sure but that's all this is," said one very respected wholesale tool buyer from Oklahoma.

"I'd like to get in that factory, and see just what that kitchen looks like he calls a laboratory," said a reporter. Others agreed heartily.

As soon as more information is available on the Bradley Board Stretcher, we'll have it available for you here in the Absurdist Woodworker.

Barnbuster Arrested, Charged With Breaking Into Bradley Tool Factory- Argues With Judge And Wins Release

H.Q. Barnbuster III, editor of The Absurdist Woodworker, was arraigned on felony charges of breaking and entering this morning in connection with an incident which occured last night at the Bradley Tool Works here in Wannanookie. The arrest was made by officers J.P. Keycrumple and R.L. Cookiecrumb of the local police department responding to a noise disturbance call in the vicinity of the Bradley Tool Works.

"When we arrived at the scene," said Sargeant Keycrumple, "we saw two legs dangling from an open window in the building. Evidently, the suspect was able to get his shoulders through the small window, but not his rather large stomach which got him stuck. Leiutenant Cookiecrumb then entered the building through an adjacent door, which was unlocked, and pushed on the suspect's shoulders while I pulled his feet, which released him."

"I wasn't stuck," said Barnbuster in a later interview, "I was just getting a toe-hold. And that door was locked when I tried it."

When asked by Judge Harold F. Bookthrower why he was attempting to enter the building, Barnbuster responded that he was on a mission of investigative journalism for the American public.

"Well why didn't you just ask them for a tour?" asked the judge.

"They were somewhat uncooperative in that regard," responded Barnbuster with a grumble.

"Well don't you understand that breaking and entering is against the law?"

"I did not break anything! That window was open!" retorted Barnbuster sharply.

Judge Bookthrower then asked the clerk for a piece of evidence gathered by the arresting officers, and showed it to Barnbuster.

"This, sir, is a broken window latch found by the cops directly beneath the window you were entering. Now what am I supposed to think about this?"

Barnbuster reached for the broken latch and turned it over in his hand, eyeing it carefully. A light of realization appeared on his face and he responded:

"Judge, if you'll look closely at the broken, serrated surface of the metal on this latch, you'll notice two things. First the casting is highly crystalized, meaning that it was cheaply produced to begin with or is very old or both. Either way, such crystalized castings are highly brittle and subject to fracture. But secondly, notice that the majority of this jagged, broken surface is covered with rust. This means that the fracture in the piece existed long before last night. Now, admittedly, when I ever so gently pushed the window to see whether or not it was locked I could have caused the final separation of this previously seriously compromised piece of hardware. But because my intent was not to break the window, but only to see whether or not it was latched, I cannot be held responsible for the faulty condition and ancient state of this cheap and ineffective piece of window hardware."

As the judge's mouth dropped open in disbelief, through the door of the courtroom came Alfred V. Bradley, owner of Bradley Tool Works. This immediately got the judge's attention and he looked at Bradley with focused concern. Bradley said nothing, but ever so slightly shook his head and gestured with his hand. Thereafter the judge returned to his conversation with Barnbuster:

"Oh, ah, yes, you mean that this sash lock was really quite broken to begin with, yes. Now, looking at this broken edge I can see that indeed two thirds of the fracture seems to be covered with rust as you say, and only one third appears freshly severed. Now if only one third were rusted, you understand, I believe that the weight of the law would not be in your favor, but given that the greater proportion of the piece was already fractured, it is evident to me that someone simply testing the window to see if it is open could have inadvertently caused the lock to fail without knowing it. Therefore, I drop the charge of breaking and entering. Case dismissed!"

A look of righteous vindication came over Barnbuster's face as he valiantly strode out of the courtroom. Immediately outside he was pleased to find a large crowd of eager reporters, and began preparing to speak. He was quickly disappointed though, when the door to an adjacent court room opened and all the reporters rushed to the person who came out that door. Barnbuster was left with this reporter and a high school student reporting for her school paper. Looking through horn-rimmed glasses, she attempted to ask him questions about sash lock casting metalurgy, but he was distracted when Alfred Bradley approached him and the two began a subdued but heated argument.

Meanwhile other people in attendance at Barnbuster's hearing left the courtroom. Among them was Robert C. Watchdog, a local rabble-rouser and general misfit. His assessment of the case, however, was echoed by numerous other attendees:

"Judges in this county are elected, and lately they've been getting huge war chests contributed to them by the likes of Bradley and others. I don't know why Bradley is helping this petty burglar, but it's pretty obvious why he got off."

When confronted with these assertions, Barnbuster's denial was categorical:

"Nonsense! The judge's decision was not motivated by politics in the least. It was based entirely on the strength of my arguments. This case not only proves the validity of my scientific and legal reasoning, but also demonstrates the effectiveness and objectivity of our governmental authorities!"

"No argument there!" said Watchdog.

Q:  Dear Prof. Barnbuster;
I feel compelled to take pen in hand and vociferously complain about your newletter's insensitive and bombastic insignia. How dare you violate the greatest icon of woodworking, the handplane? Have you no respect for the highest ideals of our craft, for the cherished devotion expressed by all woodworkers for their favorite tool? When I am at the bench, with freshly sharpened smoother in hand, watching shining peelings of pear wood gently curling up from my plane, I know that I approach an epitome of craft like a mountaineer approaching a great and challenging peak. Though I may not ever reach the greatest heights in my humble endeavors, simply knowing that I hold in good stead the highest of aspirations assures me that I am helping to maintain the greatest truths of our craft. How can you throw such an avalanche of rude desecration on the highest ideals in woodworking?

I. Flambouyant Righteousness
Snootytown, California

A:   I, too, hold a high ideal for woodworkers around the world. We all have a great appreciation for the wonders encountered in the execution of our craft, though we certainly manifest this appreciation in different ways. I, while respecting the versatility of the handtools that were the very origins of the trade, also respect the modern innovations that make many tasks much easier. If the master Colonial cabinetmakers had been offered electric routers and scroll saws, would they not have embraced them just as they embraced their other tools? I abandon any hint of the idea that 'modern' is bad, and thoroughly embrace the utility of modern innovation, even to the extent of reveling in the individual characteristics of our newer tools. I love the smell of auto body filler in the morning, it smells like...accomplishment!

Q:  Dear Professor Barnbuster;

I am so glad to have finally identified a like mind in the woodworking industry, so I thought I'd send you a quote from a fellow woodworker, George Carlin.

"Don't buy into the sentimental notion that everyone has short-comings; it's the surest way of undermining yourself. Remember, the really best people have no defects. If you're not perfect, something is wrong. And never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work. Cling to it even when it is hopeless. Anyone can cut and run, but it takes a very special person to stay with something that is stupid and harmful."

Words to live by! Going out first thing tomorrow morning to try that plane-shortening technique you so aptly demonstrated!

A:  Thank you for reminding us of Carlin's brilliant observations. Indeed, it is usually the people who admit of no imperfections that are most likely to do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result, despite how stupid or harmful their behavior may be. Been there, done that. Oh- here comes the UPS truck- must be my 20 lb. sledge hammer. Now I can finish repairing my mother-in-law's antique tea cup!

Ask A Question To ask Barnbuster a question, click here. But remember, he rarely reads his email, sometimes inadvertently deleting half of it. If you're lucky, and your question is absurd enough (not too absurd, but just absurd enough), maybe you'll see it in the column!

Call For Submissions To The Absurd Woodworking Dictionary

The Absurdist Woodworker will be compiling a dictionary of absurd woodworking definitions, owing to the fact that such a resource has never been made available to woodworkers. This work will be collaborative and requires the resourcefulness and stupidity of anyone willing to participate. If you have ever heard of, or thought of, (or heard little voices speak to you of) definitions of anything pertaining to woodworking which are innane, ridiculous, useless, silly, incongruous, stupid, preposterous, ludicrous, nonsensical, comical, laughable, funny, droll, idiotic, dull, insipid, tedious, boring, vapid, uninteresting, tiresome, humdrum, impertinent, foolish, asinine, banal, fantastic, irrational, irrelevant, extravagant, moronic, imbecilic, fatuous, ranunculous or just otherwise absurd, please submit them.

Examples of acceptable entries are:

Coping Saw- saw used by neurotic woodworkers while dealing with personal difficulties.

Buzz Saw- saw used to give a crew cut.

Workshop- place where good lumber goes in and bad lumber comes out.

You get the idea.

Also acceptable are SHORT stories, anecdotes, jokes or other asides that are pertinent (or impertinent, as the case may be).

To enter your submission, click here. Be sure to include your name and where you live, which will be included as permanent features of the dictionary.

Woman In East Sumatra Discovers Grunge In Table Joint