LOCH NESS MONSTER SIGNS LOGGING CONTRACT WITH SCOTTISH LUMBER MILL

Giant reptile recovers sunken logs at great depths, then plays poker with lumberjacks- and fleeces them!

In an unprecedented and highly secret business deal, R. Mc Beasley Lumber Ltd. of Edinburgh recently signed a long term lumber retrieval contract with Nessy, the famous resident of Loch Ness. Though executives and mill workers alike were hush-hush about the deal, eyewitness reports from the area confirm that the monster has been pulling up huge logs in its teeth from the furthest depths of the loch, carefully placing them on waiting trucks.

The logs have accumulated at the bottom over the centuries and are well preserved by the cold, pure water of the loch. Retrieval methods using divers proved too dangerous and costly due to the depth of the water, forcing executives to seek other means.

An anonymous source within the lumber company reported witnessing the signing, wherein executives had to afix a pen to the reptile's flipper with duct tape before she could sign. According to the source, the lucrative deal will make possible a long time dream of the creature to take a vacation away from Scotland and all the sightseers.

"She kept complaining about all the photographers and boats with depth sounding equipment trying to find her," said the source. "Evidently the sonar hurts her ears. As well, can you imagine what it's like not being able to surface without a crowd of worshippers hooting and hollering at you, taking pictures? She's really very shy, you know."

But she seemed none too shy after the signing, when she challenged the lumberjacks to a game of blackjack using her contract as collateral. The anxious gamblers readily took the challenge, figuring she couldn't possibly match their skill, since she spends all her time at the bottom of the loch. Nevertheless, she proved the better of them all, taking several weeks wages from numerous men in a matter of minutes.

A one point during the game, the giant lizard accidently flipped her tail into a large industrial planer, causing all in attendance to fear for their lives should she become enraged. But the carbide-tipped spiral cutterhead of the planer was not able to make a dent in the heavy, scaly plates on her skin, and she flipped the machine off the tip of her tail sending the 4 ton mass flying 200 yards. Onlookers report that she did not bat an eyelash in the process, but returned to the poker game and won the hand.

"Now you've got to respect a woman with fortitude like that," said one witness, "even if she is a lizard."

New Projects At Jeff Greef Woodworking

Despite the fact that Greef refuses to acknowledge the truth of what we publish in this newsletter, we must give him a little credit for his website. He has good project plans, though he really ought to learn how to focus his camera a little better for the pictures.

Recently added projects include a Small Side Table, Knickknack Shelf and Book Caddy all of which are easier projects that take less time. The Oval Side Table is more challenging, for you hand tool types. Articles on sharpening spokeshaves, replacing oak flooring and a 150 year old wood advertisement round out the recent additions.

Barnbuster Addresses Symposium of Automotive Supplies Manufacturers- Praises Developments In Auto Body Filler

H. Q. Barnbuster III, editor of The Absurdist Woodworker and self-professed master woodworker, addressed the annual meeting of The National Association of Aftermarket Automobile Supplies Manufacturers (NAAASM) here last Tuesday. The Association's Chairman, Harold S. Bigblock, invited Barnbuster in recognition of his unceasing efforts to educate the public about the many uses of auto body filler in the home, office, and woodshop.

Barnbuster's address focused on the many advances made in auto body filler chemistry in the last few years, which have made the product more user-friendly and durable. But the high point of his speech came when he praised the ingenuity demonstated by chemical engineers in their quest for a superior void filling compound.

Holding one finger aloft and gazing over the heads of an enraptured audience, Barnbuster's tone was solemn and serene as he spoke:

"Never in the annals of human endeavor have so few done so much to help maintain the great spirit of creativity that is the hallmark of our species. These brave men and women provide us with the primordial clay which we shape in our hands to manifest our very concept of self! Could we properly understand our place in the universe without the metaphysical inspiration we feel when we shape auto body filler with a putty knife? Is not the transience of all life shown in the fleeting moments before the hardener kicks off, freezing the filler into a solid, petrified shape for all eternity? Lead us, oh cosmic chemists, to new heights of understanding and virtue!"

As Barnbuster's voice reached a frenzied crescendo, numerous members of the audience shouted in ecstatic revelation, quaking convulsively. Association Chairman Bigblock, in a later interview, was brought to tears as he described the experience:

"That man never fails to remind me that life is worth living. I'm speechless, really, speechless."

But not all members of the audience were so entranced by the proceedings. Toward the back of the room around several tables sat a somber and somewhat mystified group of chemical engineers and marketing execs who seemed dumbfounded at the excess of enthusiasm in the room. Said one:

"I thought we were going to get some hard info on marketing strategy, but here we have to listen to some hack woodworker raving about cosmic consciousness? All we do is make a simple product for fixing dents in cars, and then some beanbrain like this slathers the stuff all over everything! What's the deal?"

Q:  Dear Prof. Barnbuster;
I tried cutting a hand plane in half just like it shows in the picture, but when my saw hit the plane iron it messed up the teeth, then it didn't cut any more. What am I doing wrong?
Robert N. Dulltooth, Duluth MN

A:  Football. Think football. What you have to realize is that you can accomplish anything you want to if you just make the extra effort, no matter what the pain, no matter what the odds. Football.

Q:  Dear Sir;
I was astounded by your assertion that wrapping baling wire around furniture with loose joints is a time-honored and trusty method of repair. My young nephew took your advice and proceeded, in good faith, to ruin an 18th Century French commode that has been in the family for years. When he turned the strands of wrapped baling wire in tourniquet fashion as per your advice, the wire dug into the corners of the piece, leaving deep and permanent scars. What do you have to say for yourself?
Mary B. Pistoff, Seattle, WA

A:  Distressing furniture is a fine art that goes back to the Ancient Egyptians and probably pre-dates them. Your nephew is demonstrating the spunk and drive that it takes to succeed in today's highly competitive job market. I must say, though, that you don't seem to be keeping this situation in it's larger perspective. First of all, had you not removed the baling wire, you would not have seen the marks it made, and secondly, why would you remove it when it's holding the piece of furniture together?

Ask A Question To ask Barnbuster a question, click here. But remember, he rarely reads his email, sometimes inadvertently deleting half of it. If you're lucky, and your question is absurd enough (not too absurd, but just absurd enough), maybe you'll see it in the column!

Man Swallows Block Plane

Doctors in a local emergency room treated a woodworker for severe gastric distress here yesterday after he managed to swallow a block plane. The embarrassed man was reluctant to tell doctors what had happened when he first arrived at the emergency room, so they were shocked when the Xrays showed a large chunk of iron in his stomach.

"We immediately operated to remove the obstruction," said Dr. Blackenedfish of Shreveport General Hospital, "and were surprised to find a hand plane. The surgeon in attendance is himself a woodworker, and noticing that the plane was very sharp, he gave it a try on the surgery room's door moldings. In the recovery room, the surgeon complimented the man on his sharpening abilities and asked if he could get sharpening lessons from him."

The man later admitted that he had reached for a donut on his workbench but accidently grabbed the plane.

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